That’s It, I’m Tired of Being Deaf…
So the ‘Spleen is sitting down to watch some crummy cable movie and I can’t hear it too well so I fish the remote out from under Brillo and turn it up…and up some more…
Then WHAM — a commercial comes on and shakes the room. Dust falls from the rafters. Brillo takes off. I go for MUTE.
Now, it’s bad enough it’s blaring. It gets better — it’s that erectile dysfunction commercial, where everyone is in a meadow or in the mountains or by the beach but always in separate bathtubs. Listen, it’s 2010 — as a society, we got over the whole hot tub thing before I was born. It could be why I was born. Since when do they have to be in separate tubs like this is the 1954 production of “Lucy and Ricky Get An Erection”? I think it’s false advertising anyway…no pill is going to let you get it done between those tubs. That’s one looooooooooong…
…I digress. It was way, way too fucking loud. So I pulled up the channel’s web site. I had to get past 8 flash ads for their bullshit ‘original crime drama’ starring some has-been. There’s lots of eye candy in the cast, yes, but they’re there to cover up the fact their star spent the last 20 years letting Father Time beat him like a rented mule.
So I get to the ‘Contact Us’ page…I fill out the extensive ‘Required’ demographic profile with that of my landlord, and I have at them:
Can you PLEASE PLEASE turn the commercials up louder? I’m not totally deaf before the program comes back on, and it’s clearly your intention to wipe my hearing out entirely on every single commercial break.
Don’t you guys have the little closet that looks like the control room in the Death Star with all the little lights and mixers and levers and switches, where some sound engineer toils in anonymity around the clock getting the levels right?
Maybe the have a special digital box that does that these days…do you have one? Is yours broken?
I haven’t gotten a response yet, not even an auto-responder. I left the words ‘fuck’ and ‘bomb’ out of it, it shouldn’t be flagged for anything. We’ll see. I went back to my movie, but decided I didn’t need to see Basic Instinct without the sex or any of the good lines.
I need to get Netflix, I guess.
