“Come with me and change the world…”

This article was originally written on the day Apple was bigger than Microsoft, back in May 2010. In the time since, Apple has become the most valuable company, period. Although fate struck down Steve Jobs, it would seem he is now more powerful than we can possibly imagine.

And while ‘the biggest company’ is just a superlative based on a beancounter’s spreadsheet (the same brilliant financial minds that gave my cat Brillo a Platinum card) it causes one to think for a moment…

The Spleen does a lot of tech work for his actual, barely-paid living and in general, I’ve learned to hate both companies almost equally. I’ve talked to them in person, at fairly high levels, but the story is the same. Their stuff doesn’t do what I want it to do. The only true difference is that one doesn’t do what I want by design, and the other says it works but is actually hopelessly broken.

The end result is the same.

Don’t worry — I have plenty left over to hate Linux, too. You Open-Sourcies are next.

I’ll get ripped for this, but…it’s stupid to compare Microsoft and Apple. One is mainly a software firm making corporate products, and the other rakes in almost all of its dough on consumer devices and online sales. It’s like comparing Caterpillar and Saab because they both make things with engines in them. (Or used to make…I hate it when facts get in the way of arguments, don’t you?)

And now that they’re bigger than Big Oil…what do I compare Apple to? Let’s think about it:

• Their shit is tight.
• It’s very, very shiny.
• Most stuff comes only in piano black or pure white.
• Their front man was the guy in charge, a zealot for the cause, who is going to tell you why their way is the best way — the only way — to live your life. It’s about your lifestyle he is there to change it forever.
• We’ve learned that if you brought him something half-assed, he’s going to choke you out. He may drop you just because he feels like it.
• And when you finally mortgage your soul to buy in (it ain’t cheap) — man, it feels good to join him.

Sound familiar? Clearly, Steve was building an empire. Actually, it looks like he’s built the Empire. It’s all there…the whole Darth Vader, Death Star, Darkside bit going on. You can’t deny it anymore.

Yeah, Luke, it’s all about you. That’s right, you were reveling in all the ‘freedom’ and ‘liberation’ and ‘striking a blow against the Man,’ but when you caved and got the MacBook, you were pimping for the Evil Empire all along.

“No! Never!” you say.

“…come with me and change the world,” he says. Betcha didn’t see that one coming.

Anyway, I still want my iPad.