It’s Not Your Bag, Baby, But You Have to Sell It

So, it’s been the season of bonus letters and promotions among the good readers of Spleened. The high earners are pulling down the big bucks now that the economy is back to normal, and the rank and file is getting excited that something will trickle down.

So, in comes management, and the handing out of the news. As far as management is concerned, there’s a huge, and often overlooked skill involved here. Drive, vision, the ability to inspire the hearts and minds of your team, setting priorities — they’re all important, but there’s one above those. Often it’s called the “towing the company line.”

More accurately, you’re handed a box of turds to give to your people and you have to sell it as a dozen tasty crullers from Dunkin’ Donuts. And you have to do it over and over again.

So you have to call each of your people in, and the conversation goes something like this:

MANAGER [Places a bulging brown paper bag on the desk] : “Here’s your compensation package for the year. Good job. You were an invaluable part of the team and this is our way of rewarding your hard effort and clear growth.”

SUPPLICANT : “It’s a brown paper bag. And it’s clearly full of dogshit.”

MANAGER : “Impressive, huh? Now, wait, that’s not all…” [Lights edge of bag on fire]

SUPPLICANT : “Now it’s a flaming bag of dogshit.”

MANAGER : “You weren’t expecting it, were you?”

SUPPLICANT : “No, I didn’t expect a flaming bag of dogshit.”

MANAGER : “Then you’d say it exceeds expectations.”

SUPPLICANT : “I don’t know what to say…It’s a flaming bag of dogshit.”

MANAGER : “You’re speechless, then.”

SUPPLICANT : “Not really, and the dogshit is starting to burn…”

MANAGER : “That’s the reek of excellence.”

SUPPLICANT : “It’s a flaming bag of dogshit.”

MANAGER [Bag begins to sputter and pop] : “And those are the sparks of creativity.”

SUPPLICANT : “It’s a flaming bag of dogshit!”

This usually continues for at least 10 minutes, until it ends one of a couple of ways:

SUPPLICANT: “I know where your car is parked.”

Or

SUPPLICANT: “If you just gave me the bag and said nothing, I’d be fine. You didn’t have to light it on fire.”

MANAGER:  “But that’s really the best part. Trust me.”

The only solace is that whomever’s delivering it to you probably got the same treatment. In a conference call, no less. It is, nonetheless, a valuable lesson in management style and communication.